Quite Simply the Love of My Life
by MakeMeWhole
Summary: Short drabble about Dan and Serena's scenes in 5x05 - from Dan's point of view.


i.

I never expected her to reach out first. She seemed the most genuinely angry about what I wrote. My dad was too, naturally, but he was more upset and hurt than anything else. Blair's too busy to really care, and I'm was still trying to decode just why Nate's gotten so mad. Everyone is angry for one reason or another - nobody is talking to me except for my agent and those conversations are all business and numbers and not at all personal. But seeing her name come up on my phone - it caught me by surprise. In a good way. In a great way. And at the same time, I'm kind of nervous about what she's coming to me for.

We agreed to meet up at the cafe we always used to go to. We have a favorite breakfast in common there, and I've never been able to eat it unless I'm with her, even after all this time. I flatten out my hair and run through apologies under my breath, assuming she wants to meet to talk about how hurt she still is or pick apart portions of the book. But she smiles when I walk in and waves me over to a table by the window. She already ordered for me, knowing what I'd wanted.

"Thanks for meeting me," she says shyly, but she continues to smile behind her vulnerability.

I sit across from her. The place is busy and loud with the breakfast rush. "Oh, yeah, no problem," I say. "Thanks…thanks for ordering."

She pushes a small coffee across the table. "Black. The way you like it."

I half smile, taking the warm cup into my palm. "Thank you." So far so good.

She looks down at her food, fiddling with her cheesy eggs with the side of her fork. She immediately gets down to business. "So I just wanted to apologize for everything I said the other day. I know…I know there's a lot of things in the book that are purely fiction. I guess I just…took a few things a little too literally."

I pour hot sauce on my eggs and purse my lips together. I still feel bad that she took my writing the wrong way. I want to say so, to explain more, but she continues before I can.

"And I'm…really proud of you for going for it - for pursuing your dream and being as successful as I always knew you'd be."

Her eyes shine and she's honest and happy for me, and it feels good to have encouragement. I want to tell her that she's the one who pushed me to write the book in the first place, but she brings up the subject of turning it into a movie, and that's something I've never thought of before and…we fall into a conversation about that before my agent calls and interrupts. I swallow my eggs as pick up the phone. I've got things to do - people to see - hands to shake and books to sell. I have to cut our breakfast short. But I'm happy we're okay again. At least there's someone who will be there for me through all this. And the concept of possibly turning the book into a movie is really exciting.

ii.

I sit alone trying to go over the events of the day. Her apology wasn't genuine. She just tried to butter me up so I'd get her in the good graces of her boss. She comes in to see me, and I kind of feel like a fool. She tells me she finished the book and I know she's still upset about it, and I have to tell her about my original intentions. Some parts of her are in the character, but every character is a combination of other people, and I don't want her thinking that's how I really sees her as a person, or how I look back at our time together.

Her voice is quiet and her eyes are sad and I feel upset and frustrated because I can't change her mind or change what's in the book. She keeps talking. "I know this may sound crazy or…like I'm living in the past or something. But you were the love of my life, Dan. And I don't know, I…I guess I just thought I was yours too."

I'm…what?

After all this time - after everything - after everyone…she still feels that way. I'm kind of speechless. How do I even respond to that? I'm just surprised. Serena has always been and will always be important to me. She was the first person I've ever loved. I know in the past I was as important to her as she was to me. But after everything that happened last year and all the people she's been with - I just thought she moved on from us and what we had and only considered me her high school boyfriend, or a past love that would never be again. We tried so hard.

I don't say anything because my throat is dry, and whatever would come out probably wouldn't be as heavy as what she just said. She shakes it off, breaking whatever tension or awkwardness that statement just created.

"Anyway, I…I'm sorry. Okay? I know what I did was wrong and it wasn't fair of me to take advantage of you like that. So…I don't know. I'll figure out what to do with my boss."

I nod and she rubs her hands together.

"So…g'night," she says, and turns on her heel quickly. I'm left to think about her. About her confession and her honestly and about how I still feel like an ass.

iii.

I have to call her. I can't end the day the way we left things. I've been thinking a lot about what she said, and I'm relieved when she answers her phone. I want to tell her the good news, but I have to clear the air first.

"Uh…I thought about what you said earlier," I say. "And how can either of us know who the loves of our lives are until we're, uh…until we're old, you know?"

I try to make a joke of it.

"I mean, this…this thing's not over yet, right?"

As the words come out, I can't tell if I mean our lives, or our lives together. The thing that isn't could mean our relationship, too…right? _Next__time, it's sink or swim._ I don't know if she thinks of the double meaning too.

I tell her I gave Alessandra the rights to the book, and she feels bad for guilting me into it. She didn't guilt me into anything. I want to make the book a movie, and I might as well work with someone I know and trust.

"I owe you one," I say. "And despite the events of the day, you know, I trust you." She's silent for a moment. I hope she's smiling on the other end of the phone. "I do have one condition," I continue. "I want to write the screenplay."

She promises to speak with her boss about it right away. I want to tell her about my ideas for the movie - about who I have in mind to play which characters and what kind of feel I want them film to have. It's nice having her on the phone. But my call-waiting interrupts, and it's my father, and we have unfinished business of our own. She says she'll talk to me in our upcoming development meetings, and I'm excited by the thought - of seeing her more and working with her on something this important.

I hang up with her, but as I talk to my dad, she's still on my mind. I apologize to my dad for hurting him, and he forgives me and says he's proud of me despite how he seems to be portrayed in the book. I explain how the book might become a movie, and he's thrilled, and I feel better now that people are starting to forgive me for what I never intended to hurt them with. I just have to get to Nate now.

I plop down on the couch with my computer to type up some notes - ideas for shots or scenes here and there if this movie thing goes through. It's never bad to plan ahead. And I stare at the screen, my eyes moving down the folders on my desktop. One is labeled with her name. I look through pictures I have saved of her, and of us together. Some are old- from the masked ball and cotillion, and our first New Years Eve together. I haven't looked at these in a long, long time, and I find myself smiling at all the memories we made together.

Her words still weigh on me. _You__were the love of my life, Dan. _Maybe she _is_ living in the past.

But maybe I am, too.

And I'm okay with that.


End file.
